Postcard From Hell – IAmNotCrazyDammit

addiction 4This has been, sadly, a busy week for addicts around the world. My email has been blowing up with people dealing with a loved one on meth. I’m at work, but this poor person left a comment on here (below) and I feel like I should bring it to your attention. A ton of you helped me with your wisdom and advice, sharing your own story, and your prayers. Would you help this poor woman? I remember this pain. 😦

Iamnotcrazydammit: “I don’t know how I got to Satans Fav Drug blog, searching in desperation for someone ANYONE who knows where I am right now because I am so lost!! Then I turned to this story, blog whatever we call these – I got as far as my son DJ and haven’t been able to stop crying yet like WHOA HOLY HELL IS THIS MY FUTURE ME IVE FOUND!! I’m hurting so bad right now, even wanted to just NOT WAKE UP at times, I finally know what it’s like to be IN LOVE with someone and my life is so twisted, along with my head right now I’m about to loose everything and I don’t even care. There is no happy ending where we get to keep our husbands and live happily ever after is there? I’m in a very dark scary place and I just want so bad for him to MEAN WHAT HE SAYS AND SAY WHAT HE MEANS. How do you walk away? How do I make myself walk away from something I care for so much? This hurts.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I can tell you are in excruciating pain. I wish desperately that I could tell you that it is going to all be okay soon, but the truth is, we have to walk right through the belly of the beast. I wish I weren’t at work right now. I can tell you need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t despair. You are not crazy; Yes, this hurts like a motherfucker; Yes, there’s lots of people who know EXACTLY what you are saying here, and EXACTLY how much this can devastate a person; Yes, it’s okay if you can’t walk away yet. I will definitely be talking to you after work. In the meantime, I’m going to post this on my blog, so the same people who helped me find my way can see there is someone else needing help.

It’s okay to be sad. Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?”

For those of you who sent me emails, I haven’t forgotten you. I will respond after work, okay?

~Bird

 

The Forties’ Hope Scope

ehasOne of the real challenges I’m finding about being single in my forties is what to hope for. I know it sounds weird, but that has become a strange new focus for me. As children, we all had some idea of what we hoped we’d be when we grew up. Ballerinas, architects, doctors, fire-fighters, husbands, wives…we all hoped for something. In your twenties, you are busy. Your hopes shift a bit, become more tangible, and you spend a great deal of your time hoping for the everyday things in life — ten fingers and ten toes, rent money, a raise, a rose on Valentine’s Day. The thirties are filled again with the hopes of families, driver’s permits, high school football games, prom dates.

Forties, though. That has been tough. My kids are all out of the house now. They are each making their way in the world, caught firmly inhope the twenties’ hope scope. I never really wondered what this time of my life would look like alone. There was no reason to think Chef and I would not have each other to lean on as life shifted into a slower gear for us. For a while there, my life got busier. There was the grief of the failed marriage, the panic of financially getting back on my feet. the myriad of disastrous car problems, moving from Oklahoma to Texas, forging new relationships, and of course, my weird Dog Rescue period after Jake died. I’ve been…busy. But now, life has settled down to a more normal pace for a woman my age, and I find it…uncomfortable. I’ve finally relegated Chef and that break-up to the right shelf in my heart. I make plenty of money now, have a sweet home, new friends, and I’m down to only the two dogs like other normal people.  What should I hope for now?

love ceases to be a demonLike muscle memory, part of me wonders if I should be looking for love again. I don’t think so. Anytime I try, it takes me less than a minute to wonder what the hell I was thinking to try this crap again. Money? I’m not ambitious. Life has always been about making money to live, not living to make money. The Lord feels kind of far away right now. No, I’m not questioning my faith, nor do I believe He has deserted me.

No. I think He always tends to feel far away when I don’t desperately need His help for something. That sounds so horrible, but I feel like it’s true, about me anyways.

I don’t know what this lesson is about yet, but I feel like He is definitely trying to show me something here. In the meantime, I thank Him for providing for my needs, allowing me to have some of my wants, and for being patient with me while I figure out which is which. 🙂

~ Bird