Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

The Humbling Art of Being Wrong

imagesThroughout our lives, we all meet those people who refuse to acknowledge they’re to blame for anything. They have developed a complex mental web that shields them from the humbling art of being wrong, netting away the need to accept consequences and the ability to sincerely apologize. I know a few people like that in my real life, including in my own family. I’ve tried to understand this strange blindness, and over the years have surmised the basic problem to be insecurity. Oh, on the outside, their words and body language are a flurry of smoke and mirrors, but if you remain focused on what’s beneath all the tricks, it is easy to see the fear.

There really is no need to fear being wrong. Being humble is much harder than being wrong, and a sincere apology has the ability to bond two people together stronger than the flowery-est of compliments. No matter how well you’ve developed your defensive thinking pattern, no one but yourself is fooled. None of us think we are perfect people, nor do we assume there are any on this planet, including you.

No, if you want to be considered a wise man or woman, being right all the time isn’t where you start. It starts by giving your own heart a cold, hard look beneath fluorescent lighting and acknowledging where you yourself have been the problem. It’s coming to the realization that admitting you aren’t perfect and apologizing doesn’t make you look weak at all. It makes you look honest… mature.. approachable…and trustworthy.

We all have the option to portray to the outside world an image of ourselves we hope they believe is true. Of course, over time, when you play act something not true long enough, you begin to believe your own lies. Or, we can decide to be authentic, and do the hard work of trying to be a better person today than we were yesterday.

You can’t change anything, though, without at first being able to acknowledge there is something in you that needs to be changed.

Be strong. Be humble. Be wise.

~ Bird