Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

The Walking Weary

how-to-wait-upon-the-lord-for-your-breakthrough-3-638I’ll admit it. I’m really sick of the ups and downs I have been experiencing for over three years now. I’m tired. Not afraid. Not depressed. Not hopeless. Not angry. Not bitter. Just plain exhausted. Now I understand the scripture Isaiah 40:31 :

 31 Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

Note the order: first we fly; then we run; but it is the reference to those of us walking that points out actual weariness. The order of this scripture is not a mistake. The newness of burdens being lifted and the general exhilaration of a new hope feels a lot like flying. But after awhile, when you start to graduate from Christian preschool into some of the harder lessons, you don’t just fly through those. There is more work involved, steeper consequences, sterner lessons. Then you get to where I am now. Just walking is a struggle. Rarely do I fly through anything anymore, and run? Pfff. Unlikely. My lessons require walking. They are bigger, more complicated, and multi-layered. And they weary me. Just to drag myself from my bed is a true challenge some days.

Lucky for me, back in the days when I could still walk and not get tired, I did learn to keep going. I learned that no matter what is going on, there is an end eventually. I’m not saying it is a good end or a bad one. Just that there is always an end. That’s how I keep crawling along. I will run with endurance the race set before me……I have invested too much in it by now to give up now. But I will admit, I am bone tired.

Today, I went looking for His new strength, and in a way, I found it. So, since He was the Ultimate Author, I will leave His Words in tact. He cannot be improved on.

Malachi 3:16
Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name.

2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Psalm 126:5
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

Psalm 16:10-11 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay. You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Luke 7:37 And there was a woman in the city who was a sinner; and when she learned that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster vial of perfume, 38 and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet and anointing them with the perfume.39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner.”

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.

Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

~ Bird