Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

Finding the Joy in the Corners

Cover of "The Departed (Widescreen Editio...
Cover of The Departed (Widescreen Edition)

 

Today is Chef and my anniversary. Considering the horrible state of mind I was in last year, I’d have to say that time has done wonders healing up some of that pain. Thank you, God!

 

I really was expecting the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse to be galloping through my life last year, and secretly suspected that it would be the highlight of my whole year. Besides my obvious emotional instability back then, Chef wasn’t helping by telling me what I wanted to hear versus the truth. But, I can only blame him so much. I’m not stupid. I knew he was full of it.

 

This year, I received the happy accolades of a guy not giving up, and I returned the cheerful message with a nebulous, generic well-wishing. All in all, I’m having a decent day.

 

My decent day turned a little brighter when Rebekkah pointed out that our last name — Mallicoat — shows up in one of my very favorite movies of all time — The Departed.  We have an unusual last name, and it never shows up anywhere cool except now. In the scene where a newscaster is reporting about a body showing up murdered, Rebekkah noticed the anchor’s name as Frank Mallicoat. Incidentally, that is a real guy. The amount of excitement this little bit of trivia generated was a tad bit embarrassing, but hey! What can I say?

 

I find that if you set your expectations in life very, very low, it takes almost nothing to thrill your socks right off. 🙂

 

Have a nice day!

 

Bird