My Thoughts on Being a Loving & Caring Person

bird2So, this weekend was Valentine’s Day. No. I wasn’t sad. I was, however, ….reflective.

In all parts of my life, I’m healing. Financially, I’m set. I’ve been putting things up in my apartment, settling in. I see my father about once a week. Yesterday, he brought my a sweet little cake for the holiday, and took me out to eat. Mentally and emotionally, I’m peaceful. At work, I’m happy. Things are going well.

But when it comes to love, I’m just so far from being okay, it isn’t even funny. I don’t give myself much of a hard time about this anymore. I obviously am capable of loving someone. I just am not interested in that kind of relationship these days.

A person asked me a few days ago if I consider myself a loving and caring person. He was trolling the internet for a woman, so his question was infinitely inappropriate, and I didn’t bother answering him, but the question stuck. Am I loving? Am I caring? Hmm. I don’t really know if those are the phrases I could use to describe myself. Not anymore.

His question would surface occasionally throughout my whole weekend, until finally, yesterday, I answered it. The truth is, I am a loving person...if I love you. I am a caring person…if I sad girl 2care about you. On the whole, I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m polite. But these are surface things I am with everyone I interact with. If you want something deeper from me, it takes time and work. I am hard to get close to. I don’t do that on purpose. It is second nature, and it wasn’t my horrible break-up that made me that way. I’ve always been somewhat reserved when it comes to people I don’t know. I’m quiet, unless I am comfortable with you. People’s opinions matter only on the sliding scale of how much I respect that person. The trolling guy was annoyed by his inability to get me to act like a silly school girl, and that only made me chuckle a little. I didn’t care that he had decided to reject me. I’d already rejected him.

People are infinitely complicated, but can one truly be loving towards people we don’t love? Can we be caring towards people we don’t care about? I don’t think that is possible, do you?

The truth is, I’m okay with how I am right now. There’s always room for improvement, and I will always strive to be a little better today than I was yesterday. But more importantly, I want to be an honest person. I want to understand my weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be someone people trust when they need to know the truth. To me, that outranks being known as a caring and loving person.

That’s my thoughts on this matter.

~ Bird

The Forties’ Hope Scope

ehasOne of the real challenges I’m finding about being single in my forties is what to hope for. I know it sounds weird, but that has become a strange new focus for me. As children, we all had some idea of what we hoped we’d be when we grew up. Ballerinas, architects, doctors, fire-fighters, husbands, wives…we all hoped for something. In your twenties, you are busy. Your hopes shift a bit, become more tangible, and you spend a great deal of your time hoping for the everyday things in life — ten fingers and ten toes, rent money, a raise, a rose on Valentine’s Day. The thirties are filled again with the hopes of families, driver’s permits, high school football games, prom dates.

Forties, though. That has been tough. My kids are all out of the house now. They are each making their way in the world, caught firmly inhope the twenties’ hope scope. I never really wondered what this time of my life would look like alone. There was no reason to think Chef and I would not have each other to lean on as life shifted into a slower gear for us. For a while there, my life got busier. There was the grief of the failed marriage, the panic of financially getting back on my feet. the myriad of disastrous car problems, moving from Oklahoma to Texas, forging new relationships, and of course, my weird Dog Rescue period after Jake died. I’ve been…busy. But now, life has settled down to a more normal pace for a woman my age, and I find it…uncomfortable. I’ve finally relegated Chef and that break-up to the right shelf in my heart. I make plenty of money now, have a sweet home, new friends, and I’m down to only the two dogs like other normal people.  What should I hope for now?

love ceases to be a demonLike muscle memory, part of me wonders if I should be looking for love again. I don’t think so. Anytime I try, it takes me less than a minute to wonder what the hell I was thinking to try this crap again. Money? I’m not ambitious. Life has always been about making money to live, not living to make money. The Lord feels kind of far away right now. No, I’m not questioning my faith, nor do I believe He has deserted me.

No. I think He always tends to feel far away when I don’t desperately need His help for something. That sounds so horrible, but I feel like it’s true, about me anyways.

I don’t know what this lesson is about yet, but I feel like He is definitely trying to show me something here. In the meantime, I thank Him for providing for my needs, allowing me to have some of my wants, and for being patient with me while I figure out which is which. 🙂

~ Bird