Regret No. 2: I Didn’t Know When To Say When

love-rupture-broken-heart-even-shines-with-loveThe second thing I’m kind of bummed about during this whole break-up is that instead of making a clean break, I allowed this to go on for too long. I am still somewhat confused by my reactions, or the intensity of them anyways.

In the beginning, when I first found out about the drugs, I knew …. KNEW…I needed to walk away before things got really, really bad.  I’d seen my husband addicted before, and his rock-bottom was being completely and utterly alone. And maybe I could have done that had he not found my replacement. He’d maneuvered a girl into a position to take care of him without question, and I simply wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

First, there was my pride, which had taken a nice, big hit. Christians aren’t supposed to give in to their pride, but I’ll be the first one to say, pride can be worthy opponent on your most peaceful day. Add some heart break and another younger woman, and it becomes a million times harder to control. I failed….repeatedly… but with style. If you’re going to blow it, go big. I tanked a million dollar lawsuit. How’s that for big?

Second, he’d done all this shifty deceitful affair crap right in front of some people I thought were my friends, and no one said a thing to me about it. Yes, I know the biker code…bros before hos…yada, yada. Turns out, I’m still disappointed in a few people. I think being a wife for decades makes me more invested in this biker than all his bros who knew him only a third of that amount of time. But I couldn’t really blame these people either, because it was Chef who’d brought all of this to be. In one quick move, I knew instantly who was my friend and who was not, and even though I’d suspected who was who in my life, it really hurt to have those suspicions affirmed.

And thirdly, there was just no way he was going to start playing house with this interloper in my house, with my pets, using my clothes and helping herself to the life I built for decades. Chef used jewelry he’d stolen from me and re-gifted them to his new girlfriend. Even after they’d broken up, I pointed out to this girl that the ring and bracelets she was wearing were mine, she wouldn’t return the stuff to me. To this day, I’m creeped out by her lack of  empathy.  So, nope. If she wanted everything in my life, she damn well was going to have to earn it.

I reigned down chaos on Chef and his Back-Up Babe. It wasn’t only revenge, per se. There was a fair amount of fear as well.  I felt a sheer panic thinking he’d die a junkie alone in a locked spare bedroom while the Meth Mistake (who refused to acknowledge that Chef was on some pretty severe street drugs) wouldn’t notice until his rotting corpse began to smell. The house was so awful, it still could have been days even after that!! Again and again, I would point out that no healthy grown human man stays awake for 8-10 days straight, never eats, and talks to his imaginary friends. Forget that he was unemployed the ENTIRE time they lived together (8 months), or that his “friends” always showed up around 2am in the morning. She would just insist that I was lying and just trying to make Chef look bad so they would break up. Even her parents, who were no fan of Chef’s, seemed lulled by his very lucrative ability to baffle everyone with his bulls**t. It was mind boggling.

He did have one set of people, though, who knew him well enough to ignore the words he was saying and gauge his actions instead. Our kids called a spade a spade from day one, and it is noteworthy that Chef quickly wrote them out of his new life as well. Bugletto was living far away, although she was present for a little of the drama, but Bekkie and Dj witnessed almost all of it. Bekkie walked away from him sadly, but firmly, and Dj distanced himself somewhat, though he left the doors of communication open.

I still find it odd that after all the pain, suffering, angst, grief, and general humiliation I experienced because of his very self-oriented behaviors, I was unable to walk away from him for good. He’d steal from me; I’d still give him money. He’d lie to me; I’d still tell him the truth for him to twist to his own purpose. He’d call me horrible names; I’d still buy him an anniversary present, or a Christmas present. And each time I would do something else for him to show him I still loved him, I’d die a tiny bit more inside. What the hell?!!

I have moved away from him now, and I’m on day 2 of no contact. I have learned some little tricks to keep myself from diving back into the cesspool I’ve been treading, and for the moment, they are working okay. I have forgiven Chef, but I haven’t forgotten some of the things he put me through, and I don’t think God is asking me to, either. I need to remember those painful actions, and words, because without those brutally honest realities, I’m inclined to put my rose-colored glasses back on, forgetting what he is capable of should he decide he doesn’t care again, and go back to exaggerating his small accomplishments to balance out the glaring flaws that have always been there for me to see. Worst of all, I’d be hampering any growth and maturity Chef might be capable of should he apply his keen judgmental eye towards his own life instead of others.

I knew a year ago I’d never get back what I once had with Chef, and I was right. What I didn’t know then, though, was that I would come to a point in all of this that I wouldn’t want it back, either. I learned a great deal from Chef, good and bad, and I loved him so very much for a very, very long time. I’m sure I always will have a place in my heart that grieves for what it could have been growing old with him.

But the reason I know I love him still is because I don’t want to live with him, “winning” the female tug-o-war, yet quietly growing bitter over what he did to me, and to the kids, and even to our pets. I don’t want every single memory with him in it tainted during the many, many painful arguments that would be sure to come as we tried to pick up the broken pieces of our old life and move on. I don’t like my own reactions to his seemingly callousness sometimes, and even worse, I don’t like my cold stiffness anytime he reaches out to me in his loneliness.  I know he’s hurting too, but my own pain has driven me into hiding, and there just doesn’t seem to be anything left in me to stop his bleeding, too. I hate my own coldness. I guess I just don’t like who I am when we’re together.

I know it’s time to put this rabid relationship down, like Old Yeller, and that’s what I’m trying to do minute by exhausting minute. Hopefully, the earth will start spinning again, and each minute won’t be an emotional battlefield between what my heart wants versus what my brain knows to be best for everyone.

— Bird

Updated: Hun Has An Opinion About My Posts

As Paula had hoped, someone from the the club has answered my post OMG! I’ve Lost 15 Facebook Friends, and here is our interchange

Hun September 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm · Edit

This is so very interesting, no matter how far from the truth it may be. Right now, if the Equator was the truth, and I was standing on it, Bird would be so far to the South, I could not see her, and Chef would be so far to the North I would not be able to see him either! The reason myself and many others have “86′d” BOTH of them, is because they are living in a fantasy, each in a different fantasy. Out of tough LOVE, we have turned our backs to both of them, because neither is right. We will not pick sides, they must sort this out for themselves. And to all of you that have taken a side, your not helping, your just enabling. They BOTH MUST come to grips with reality!
And here is my reply:

Bird said,

September 12, 2012 at 2:00 pm · Edit

Hi, Hun.

Let me be really blunt with you. Had you pulled your “tough love” crap back at the beginning of this year when I told you that these people NEEDED to stop feeding him that crap, maybe we wouldn’t be in this position right now. I went to several of you, and no one did a damn thing for months. By then, it was so pervasive here , he just found a local source, and you and I both know who it is. Funny. You did nothing to fix that problem, leader.

So, first, you have no idea what is going on in the dynamic of my marriage. Who are you to assume you do?

Second, it is pretty presumptuous to assume you would have a better idea about what was going on in it than I do, or even Chef does. We lived in it…where were you again? Oh, that’s right. You were recovering from a motorcycle accident.

Third, you 86ed me on Chef’s word that I was having an affair…one that couldn’t be proven because it never happened. Yet. you spent plenty of time with Chef and knew he was plastered most of the time, screwing around, and driving blitzed all over town in the early morning hours in his cut. Oh, but I’m a problem for you? Oh, spare me.

You didn’t pull any tough love on me…What were you trying to get me to learn? Let my husband die if he wanted to? Let him be a meth addict if he wants? Let him screw whoever wants behind my back? Let him hit me, chase me with weapons? What exactly was this tough love suppose to teach me? And the day I need a daddy I’ll let you know. Ok?

Butt your noses out of my business, because you and I both know, I can be a very worthy enemy. I don’t want problems with any of you, but I’m not going to tolerate intimidation. It isn’t hard to figure out who this is — only about 4 of you even know what the equator is, and only two of you own a computer. :-)

Chef just found that out yesterday not to threaten me. Would you like to also be included on that list? I’ve been leaving you alone…do you really want to do this with me? I go to court in a couple of weeks, and it is no problem for me to add some of you to the list if you really want to provoke me. Disappear from my life, and I’ll disappear from yours.

And here’s my advice. For once, someone grow some balls and use your own names. This little pop up throw away alias is pathetic. I find you guys laughable anymore.

Bird

Hun said,

September 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm · Edit

Thanks for proving my point. To my knowledge, no one ever accused you of having an affair. You AND Chef were “86′d”, cause no one wanted in your business. Now if you think someone is threatening you, trying to intimidate you, stalk you, or anything of the like, PLEASE use every means (legally) to stop it, and to protect yourself. But I am sure, eventually everyone will see that this big “conspiracy” is only in your mind. IMHO, you should seek professional help ASAP. And in this case, Just because your paranoid, NO one is following you, NO one knows where you live, and furthermore, NO one cares!
  • Bird said,

    September 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm · Edit

    I love how people say “to my knowledge” when they want to give the appearance that they were innocent of that kind of gossip, but know full well that was what was being said. You proved my point. I got that little nugget from more than one source, including Chef, and you go ahead and spin it any way you want to. Yes. You knew it was being said. You 86′ed me for it, remember?

    And if you were 86ing both of us out of tough love and to stay out of our business, what are you doing here on my blog, writing out your opinions? You have no problems jumping smack in the middle of people’s business. Why was it necessary this time? I’ll tell you why. I went public with the crap threats to protect myself, and you guys got some attention that you didn’t like. So, Chef had to go ’cause his ole lady was not controllable. Lee used to talk to me all the time about stuff like this. And if this was you guys not taking sides, why wasn’t Chef out at the same time as I was? Please. That is a lie and you know it. I guess you aren’t on the Equator of Truth after all.

    As for the threats, I already have taken care of them legally. :-) And I’ll continue to be wary of any of you that come near me. You know full well this was a cluster because you lost control of your group. Leadership is a skill I’m thinking you don’t have. And believe me, it isn’t any of you I’m afraid of. It is the morons you guys attract that I’m careful around. You guys I know very, very well.

    One thing you might have forgotten is that I have some stuff sent to me in texts that have my motel and my car description in them. So, was I actually being paranoid, or did I have a reason to be careful? I mean, Gangland says you guys are badasses, right?

    Maybe, Hun, you might want to check with your club, support clubs, and riding clubs and make sure that no one is actually threatening me before you go blowing your wind on here. This just shows me I bruised your ego and you just had to have the last word.

    Bird