Spiritual Enlightenment – Do Drugs Help?

addictionOccasionally, I’ll look at the dashboard of this site, and one or more of the search terms will catch my eye. Mostly, even after the awful year I’ve had, the search terms that are the most likely to drive traffic here are “three boobs”, “motorcycle gangs”, and my personal favorite, “nipple shirts”. Let’s face it. Three Boobs and Nipple Shirts are subjects that aren’t really good foundations for a serious conversation about life. It’s just appalling to me that men wear shirts that show their nipple. Ugh. “Motorcycle Gangs” is more interesting, but again, I doubt I have much to contribute to that subject anymore. But today, I found one in my little collection that made me stop and say “hmmm”. The term was this:

meth spiritual enhancement

So, to the person who typed in this awesome search term, this one’s for you.

In my quest to understand what Chef was going through, I studied everything I could find about this creepy drug. What I found out could fill up volumes, but for this discussion, I’ll boil down some things I understand about the drug that I believe should be considered directly in connection with spiritual enhancement, or any kind of enhancement, for that matter….physical, academic, cultural, etc. Enhancements when you are high are only Huge Brain Farts when you sober up again.

To my understanding, the drug affects the pleasure center of your brain. This magnificent computer we carry around inside of our skulls works like a file cabinet, storing and categorizing things constantly. If a memory makes you happy, it tends to store that memory close by for future reference. If some memory makes you sad, it cleans up that cluttered file up, and safely keeps moving it back into the recesses of your brain. It’s the same for things that give us pleasure. It’s stored safely with reach. That being said, I do wonder if people actually stop and really examine what we each have stored there. If singing show-tunes on top of your roof in your birthday suit for the entire world to see is something that you derive real pleasure from, chances are this drug will enhance that desire in you, and your filter which considers consequences of such an action will be bypassed. You’ll dance, sing and traumatize the neighbors to your heart’s content, and you’ll feel good about it… “I finally get to be me!” you’ll be assuring yourself. Until your filter comes back to life again when you sober up, and you’re in jail for public nudity holding an eviction notice in your hand, and the creepy cat lady down the street is suddenly in love with you has baked you a cake with a shank in it. Suddenly, the problems you were trying to escape from in the first place don’t seem as bad as the ones you’ve just created during your “mental vacation”.

See how that works? If God, spirituality, religion, or some such thing is something you get pleasure from, you bet your booties, it’ll come up when you are high. I know, because when I used this drug, God was foremost in my thoughts and actions. And yet, even in my intoxicated state, while I felt like God appreciates all the publicity He can get, my conscience kicked in at the same time, imploring me to wait until I was sober before launching into whatever ridiculous thing I was poised to do for Him, like what I’d learned about Him while I was high. I’m pretty sure He’s grateful I didn’t try to “help” the cause during those moments.

It is my opinion that most people, especially men, tend to have sex in their pleasure centers, and women love. Meth is considered a sex enhancement drug, but it didn’t work that way for me at all. Because of my complicated relationship with sex, it didn’t actually take up residence in the pleasure center of my brain; but love did. As long as Chef made me feel like he loved me…high or not…I was on board with the sex thing. But if he didn’t, he was on his own. Meth is a very selfish drug. Right there, you can almost see why this crappy drug ruins marriages. One person wants to feel loved; the other wants pure, animal sex. And for most people, there is the ability to love someone without having sex with them, and to have sex with someone you don’t love. Hence, breakdowns occur.

I’d always be very careful about anything that you “learn” on meth, or any drug. Without that consequence filter, we are susceptible to accepting lies, and turning them into truths in our own minds, which invariably leads to being slapped on the side of the head with our “Oh-Crap!-What-Have-I-Done” brain-gag reflex instead. Can you learn spiritual truths when you’re high? Sure. You can probably learn anything on dope if it’s important enough to you.

Once upon a time, God made a donkey talk but just because you see Donkey jabbering at you while you’re high, it doesn’t mean you actually a) saw a donkey physically speaking to you or that you’re a character on the next Shrek, or that b) all donkeys secretly know how to talk and are laughing silently at us clueless humans, or even that c)  God had something special to tell you from this lively donkey. It just means you burned your brain a tad too much, and you’ve hallucinated a donkey sing a Tina Turner song  to you.

Render that little nugget of experience to the mental trash can it probably deserves to be in. If it was so important that God get a message to you that He’d use a donkey  or even more unbelievable, a Tina Turner song, He’d have probably waited until you were sober and there could be no question it was a miracle of God instead a miracle of Dope. We all look for reasons to excuse something we’re doing that we know we are wrong to do, by finding something positive enough to justify it to others, and mainly ourselves. I’ve found that the “I’m spiritually awakened” excuse is pretty common amongst those of us that tend to like to have a little chemical uplifting from time to time, and frankly, it’s a pathetic one.  Here’s life choices in a nutshell — you don’t owe anyone a reason or excuse for what you do or want to do; but by the same token, you’re the one stuck with the consequences, so don’t be surprised when you’re eating a bucket-full of guilt, shame, and general self-loathing. Own your crap, pay your dues, learn from it, and start a blog or something. Most importantly, forgive yourself and move on.  Don’t waste a whole lot of time on coming up with an acceptable reason or excuse that people will buy. Nobody really cares about that but you anyways.

I’ll leave you guys with one more observation that I’m pretty sure everyone can identify with. By a show of hands, how many of us know at least one old hippie-wanna-be who’s burned out his/her brain so much, we roll our eyes when they head down Enlightenment Lane?

Yeah.

Don’t be that person. Find your enlightenment and spirituality with a full set of brain cells working. That way, you’ll be prepared to defend your opinions and views, and not have people rolling their eyes as you walk away, telling their little children to stay away from you because you think you’re Shrek or something.

I’m just saying…

Postcard from Hell – Jamie

ehasJamie wrote:

You must get so many e mails. You are an amazing person to share your story and reach out and help others.

I came across your site while searching for answers to my husbands meth problem. The pain, and disparate to find answers, and how to help. We were a gay couple, and meth is very prevalent in the gay community, but i think it is all the same how it destroys people and families.

I think most peoples meth stories about their loved ones are similar, but I walked away sooner then you did,(thought my tearry eyed reading i think it said you left after years) I left 7 months after i first suspected it, and then when I was finding paraphernalia all over the house, pipes, bags, burnt tin foil in the toilet that didn’t make it down, or he was rushing and forgot to flush it, straws and empty bags. Funny thing is, he said it wasn’t his. Like its okay to have people come over and do meth? and you don’t do it?  As soon as i knew 100% that he had issues with it i left within 2 months because he was just so mean and the fights were crazy, and i would just give in and say i was wrong and i would change just to end the fight. I sometimes regret leaving, because while it was a nightmare living together, i felt i got in his way and he couldn’t do it whenever he wanted. But now typing that i realize that he did, he would just leave in the middle of the night, or come home very late from work.
I used to cry and beg saying if your not using meth then something is wrong with you, you’re different, you’re different. Lets go get you help, lets see a Dr. Ill help you, we can do this.
I guess fortunately for me i only woke up 2 times to find out he wasn’t home. But those times were the most horrific nightmares ever. I was surprised he answered when i called, and i got some lame excuse that he would be headed home shortly, and 6 – 8 hours later he finally came home after shutting his phone off (i guess so i couldn’t call, or text and ruin his high, or sex binge) while i called and called and messaged apologizing for whatever i did to make him mad and please come home.
Since leaving i have become obsessed with him (more so then the tracking and stalking and searching for drugs all the time i did when we were living together). I keep thinking about what we had. We were a regular couple, we had issues and some fights, but we loved each other. I look back at pictures of us and see us smiling, and looking happy, and sharing all these wonderful experiences. We were together for a total of 10 years, and our marriage did not make it 2 years. While we are still married, as i just left 2.5 months ago and our 2 year anniversary was 5/31 it made me regress. I hold on to what my therapist says. The good memories are still that, good memories and that wont change.
I had not talked to him in almost a month so i decided to call him because it was going to be our 2 year wedding anniversary. I don’t know why, but he answered, he usually ignores my calls and messages. He was in the Emergency Room and was having heart issues and was overheating. Which i know are signs of too much meth. He said it was from Viagra because of all the stress i put on him he cant get it up, but i know he was high on meth and was maybe going to have some wild crazy sex, or masturbate for hours looking at meth porn, which i would catch him doing in the middle of the night sometimes when i would wake up and he wouldn’t be in bed. This totally killed me. Now everything is all fresh again, and i’m so scared that he is going to die. I know there is NOTHING i can do. My support groups are teaching me to let go and let god, and i didn’t cause it, I cant cure it,I cant control it.  Now he is just evil.He is not my husband anymore, he is a different person. I don’t know why i call him, i am having trouble letting go. He never reaches out to me, but i just cant let him go. I don’t want him to die.
Its comforting to see that others have lived though this, and although scarred from it, you move on. Going to my meetings people talk and laugh and at this point i am like, how, how can you ever be happy again?
Thank you for letting me vent and thank you for helping all the anonymous people that you don’t know. I just hope that soon i will be able to move on.
I know this is probably very jumbled, as i type this though tears, and crazy thoughts. But thank you for sharing your experiences for others to read and see. Thank you for even letting me just share my story with you. I feel more comfort sharing it with others who have experienced it then with those who haven’t because the things i did were crazy and i see how they look at me. But in my first nar-anon meeting people don’t look like i’m crazy, One woman told me, I understand, I did everything you did. I stalked and tracked and searched every day.
Again, thank you for sharing your story so we know that we are not alone in this. Its so sad that i had no idea about this and then when i started to search how many people were going though this. There is so much info out there.
Jamie
Dear Jamie,

I’m so sorry to meet yet another person traveling down this horrible path. No one who hasn’t experienced loving a person addicted to this specific drug can truly understand just how hellish it is to live with. 
Meth is prevalent in all communities these days, my friend. I hear from people all the time who have a similar story to ours, and they come from every walk of life imaginable. For what it is worth, you never have to feel alone in this nightmare. There are so many of us who understand all too well.
I left Chef after 11 months, but I continued to love him for years. Even to this day, sometimes that love still rears its head. You needn’t feel ashamed that you weren’t able to turn that love off like a faucet. Love doesn’t work that way. It can take the worst kinds of abuses and still manage to live on in our hearts. That being said, you are right in the wisdom that you are helpless in your lover’s fight. I learned the hard way that my wanting to remain with Chef, to show him unconditional love, was really only mitigating his consequences and keeping him from hitting rock bottom. 
I am about 4 years out now, and I laugh often. I feel real joy in life again, and while Chef remains in my heart, he does not have a place in my life. And Jamie, if I can get to that place, so can you. I loved my husband with my entire being — heart and soul. We’d been together over 20 years, raised children together, and were best friends. Meth destroyed all of it. At first, I refused to allow myself even to remember the good times together, but time has softened the edges of my pain, and now, I’m grateful for how many good memories I still have.
Be patient with yourself. Only time and the Lord can heal this kind of immense pain, and you will be happy again some day. I will keep you in my prayers, which sadly, have become such a long list of hurting loved ones. 
With your permission, I’d like to publish your beautiful email so others like you will know they aren’t alone. I don’t have any from a gay person, and I believe that would help so many people who might be afraid to say something for fear of being judged. You’ll get no judgments from me or those who follow me. 
Please let me know, and be well. I am praying for you!!!
Your sister,
Bird
Jamie wrote:
Thank you for your words. You really are a inspiration. I know i am in the throws of it now, and it feels like it will never get better. Like you i feel this has changed me. I used to look down on drug addicts/alcoholics. But a good person making 1 bad mistake (as you put it Handle a little bit of sin) and taking that 1st hit changed everything forever. Like you i feel if he knew what would happen, he would have not tried it for the first time because he was so kind, caring, and thoughtful. I now realize that drug addicts are someones husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, son, or daughter. They come from all walks of life and all they did was make one bad decision for whatever reason, and their family is probably going though the same living hell as so many of us have.

Yes you can use my e mail. I know so many people are hurting from the horrible drug called meth.  Anything to help those, like me, who feel so alone and powerless in this. I spend hours reading other peoples stories and they are so similar. Its sad to say, but it does bring me comfort that i’m not alone, and at the same time my heart breaks for them because I know what they must be going though. ~Jamie