My Thoughts on Being a Loving & Caring Person

bird2So, this weekend was Valentine’s Day. No. I wasn’t sad. I was, however, ….reflective.

In all parts of my life, I’m healing. Financially, I’m set. I’ve been putting things up in my apartment, settling in. I see my father about once a week. Yesterday, he brought my a sweet little cake for the holiday, and took me out to eat. Mentally and emotionally, I’m peaceful. At work, I’m happy. Things are going well.

But when it comes to love, I’m just so far from being okay, it isn’t even funny. I don’t give myself much of a hard time about this anymore. I obviously am capable of loving someone. I just am not interested in that kind of relationship these days.

A person asked me a few days ago if I consider myself a loving and caring person. He was trolling the internet for a woman, so his question was infinitely inappropriate, and I didn’t bother answering him, but the question stuck. Am I loving? Am I caring? Hmm. I don’t really know if those are the phrases I could use to describe myself. Not anymore.

His question would surface occasionally throughout my whole weekend, until finally, yesterday, I answered it. The truth is, I am a loving person...if I love you. I am a caring person…if I sad girl 2care about you. On the whole, I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m polite. But these are surface things I am with everyone I interact with. If you want something deeper from me, it takes time and work. I am hard to get close to. I don’t do that on purpose. It is second nature, and it wasn’t my horrible break-up that made me that way. I’ve always been somewhat reserved when it comes to people I don’t know. I’m quiet, unless I am comfortable with you. People’s opinions matter only on the sliding scale of how much I respect that person. The trolling guy was annoyed by his inability to get me to act like a silly school girl, and that only made me chuckle a little. I didn’t care that he had decided to reject me. I’d already rejected him.

People are infinitely complicated, but can one truly be loving towards people we don’t love? Can we be caring towards people we don’t care about? I don’t think that is possible, do you?

The truth is, I’m okay with how I am right now. There’s always room for improvement, and I will always strive to be a little better today than I was yesterday. But more importantly, I want to be an honest person. I want to understand my weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be someone people trust when they need to know the truth. To me, that outranks being known as a caring and loving person.

That’s my thoughts on this matter.

~ Bird

Postcard From Hell – IAmNotCrazyDammit

addiction 4This has been, sadly, a busy week for addicts around the world. My email has been blowing up with people dealing with a loved one on meth. I’m at work, but this poor person left a comment on here (below) and I feel like I should bring it to your attention. A ton of you helped me with your wisdom and advice, sharing your own story, and your prayers. Would you help this poor woman? I remember this pain. 😦

Iamnotcrazydammit: “I don’t know how I got to Satans Fav Drug blog, searching in desperation for someone ANYONE who knows where I am right now because I am so lost!! Then I turned to this story, blog whatever we call these – I got as far as my son DJ and haven’t been able to stop crying yet like WHOA HOLY HELL IS THIS MY FUTURE ME IVE FOUND!! I’m hurting so bad right now, even wanted to just NOT WAKE UP at times, I finally know what it’s like to be IN LOVE with someone and my life is so twisted, along with my head right now I’m about to loose everything and I don’t even care. There is no happy ending where we get to keep our husbands and live happily ever after is there? I’m in a very dark scary place and I just want so bad for him to MEAN WHAT HE SAYS AND SAY WHAT HE MEANS. How do you walk away? How do I make myself walk away from something I care for so much? This hurts.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I can tell you are in excruciating pain. I wish desperately that I could tell you that it is going to all be okay soon, but the truth is, we have to walk right through the belly of the beast. I wish I weren’t at work right now. I can tell you need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t despair. You are not crazy; Yes, this hurts like a motherfucker; Yes, there’s lots of people who know EXACTLY what you are saying here, and EXACTLY how much this can devastate a person; Yes, it’s okay if you can’t walk away yet. I will definitely be talking to you after work. In the meantime, I’m going to post this on my blog, so the same people who helped me find my way can see there is someone else needing help.

It’s okay to be sad. Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?”

For those of you who sent me emails, I haven’t forgotten you. I will respond after work, okay?

~Bird