Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

Upon Completion of This Latest Journey

love ceases to be a demonI think deep down, bloggers tend to be complainers. Just a little. Nothing over the top. And I am no exception. Somehow, it comforts me to write a post about how much life is sucking at the moment so other people can agree with me and/or encourage me enough, I can rise above my latest funk.

That being said, this is not one of those posts. This post is about how much my life has changed for the better lately. Monday, the temp job I’ve funny-card-quote-pictures-god-is-fairbeen working turned permanent, and with it, I was given an almost embarrassingly large raise. I’ve been eeking out an existence for years on lower than median wages for the kinds of jobs I was doing. To be where I belong financially… well, there simply are no words. I had orientation yesterday, and the list of benefits alone rendered me speechless. When I found out I was actually given more than I was initially led to believe I would receive, my head almost exploded with joy.

cd3bb0e3a01ffbca491766285cba5142I’ve been walking around on air for a whole 24 hours now. I like what I do, who I do it for, and who I do it with. The fact that I can now easily afford to live my life on what I’m paid to do it just makes me so grateful.

In August 2012, I walked away from an exceptionally excellent provider in my husband, and embarked on a troubling, hunger-laden, thrift store shopping,  journey to become independent. Yesterday, that particular journey concluded.

I’m not naive, and I know the Lord sharpens me with crises, but He loves 1609758_10152930015436742_2399831189682297383_nme too, and I feel like He is letting me rest for a little while. There are other storms that will gather on the horizon of my life, but for now, I’m going to take a minute and just be happy about how my life feels right this minute.

I see a steak in my near future.

LaVoz_steak

 

~ Bird

 

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