Postcard from Hell – Jamie

ehasJamie wrote:

You must get so many e mails. You are an amazing person to share your story and reach out and help others.

I came across your site while searching for answers to my husbands meth problem. The pain, and disparate to find answers, and how to help. We were a gay couple, and meth is very prevalent in the gay community, but i think it is all the same how it destroys people and families.

I think most peoples meth stories about their loved ones are similar, but I walked away sooner then you did,(thought my tearry eyed reading i think it said you left after years) I left 7 months after i first suspected it, and then when I was finding paraphernalia all over the house, pipes, bags, burnt tin foil in the toilet that didn’t make it down, or he was rushing and forgot to flush it, straws and empty bags. Funny thing is, he said it wasn’t his. Like its okay to have people come over and do meth? and you don’t do it?  As soon as i knew 100% that he had issues with it i left within 2 months because he was just so mean and the fights were crazy, and i would just give in and say i was wrong and i would change just to end the fight. I sometimes regret leaving, because while it was a nightmare living together, i felt i got in his way and he couldn’t do it whenever he wanted. But now typing that i realize that he did, he would just leave in the middle of the night, or come home very late from work.
I used to cry and beg saying if your not using meth then something is wrong with you, you’re different, you’re different. Lets go get you help, lets see a Dr. Ill help you, we can do this.
I guess fortunately for me i only woke up 2 times to find out he wasn’t home. But those times were the most horrific nightmares ever. I was surprised he answered when i called, and i got some lame excuse that he would be headed home shortly, and 6 – 8 hours later he finally came home after shutting his phone off (i guess so i couldn’t call, or text and ruin his high, or sex binge) while i called and called and messaged apologizing for whatever i did to make him mad and please come home.
Since leaving i have become obsessed with him (more so then the tracking and stalking and searching for drugs all the time i did when we were living together). I keep thinking about what we had. We were a regular couple, we had issues and some fights, but we loved each other. I look back at pictures of us and see us smiling, and looking happy, and sharing all these wonderful experiences. We were together for a total of 10 years, and our marriage did not make it 2 years. While we are still married, as i just left 2.5 months ago and our 2 year anniversary was 5/31 it made me regress. I hold on to what my therapist says. The good memories are still that, good memories and that wont change.
I had not talked to him in almost a month so i decided to call him because it was going to be our 2 year wedding anniversary. I don’t know why, but he answered, he usually ignores my calls and messages. He was in the Emergency Room and was having heart issues and was overheating. Which i know are signs of too much meth. He said it was from Viagra because of all the stress i put on him he cant get it up, but i know he was high on meth and was maybe going to have some wild crazy sex, or masturbate for hours looking at meth porn, which i would catch him doing in the middle of the night sometimes when i would wake up and he wouldn’t be in bed. This totally killed me. Now everything is all fresh again, and i’m so scared that he is going to die. I know there is NOTHING i can do. My support groups are teaching me to let go and let god, and i didn’t cause it, I cant cure it,I cant control it.  Now he is just evil.He is not my husband anymore, he is a different person. I don’t know why i call him, i am having trouble letting go. He never reaches out to me, but i just cant let him go. I don’t want him to die.
Its comforting to see that others have lived though this, and although scarred from it, you move on. Going to my meetings people talk and laugh and at this point i am like, how, how can you ever be happy again?
Thank you for letting me vent and thank you for helping all the anonymous people that you don’t know. I just hope that soon i will be able to move on.
I know this is probably very jumbled, as i type this though tears, and crazy thoughts. But thank you for sharing your experiences for others to read and see. Thank you for even letting me just share my story with you. I feel more comfort sharing it with others who have experienced it then with those who haven’t because the things i did were crazy and i see how they look at me. But in my first nar-anon meeting people don’t look like i’m crazy, One woman told me, I understand, I did everything you did. I stalked and tracked and searched every day.
Again, thank you for sharing your story so we know that we are not alone in this. Its so sad that i had no idea about this and then when i started to search how many people were going though this. There is so much info out there.
Jamie
Dear Jamie,

I’m so sorry to meet yet another person traveling down this horrible path. No one who hasn’t experienced loving a person addicted to this specific drug can truly understand just how hellish it is to live with. 
Meth is prevalent in all communities these days, my friend. I hear from people all the time who have a similar story to ours, and they come from every walk of life imaginable. For what it is worth, you never have to feel alone in this nightmare. There are so many of us who understand all too well.
I left Chef after 11 months, but I continued to love him for years. Even to this day, sometimes that love still rears its head. You needn’t feel ashamed that you weren’t able to turn that love off like a faucet. Love doesn’t work that way. It can take the worst kinds of abuses and still manage to live on in our hearts. That being said, you are right in the wisdom that you are helpless in your lover’s fight. I learned the hard way that my wanting to remain with Chef, to show him unconditional love, was really only mitigating his consequences and keeping him from hitting rock bottom. 
I am about 4 years out now, and I laugh often. I feel real joy in life again, and while Chef remains in my heart, he does not have a place in my life. And Jamie, if I can get to that place, so can you. I loved my husband with my entire being — heart and soul. We’d been together over 20 years, raised children together, and were best friends. Meth destroyed all of it. At first, I refused to allow myself even to remember the good times together, but time has softened the edges of my pain, and now, I’m grateful for how many good memories I still have.
Be patient with yourself. Only time and the Lord can heal this kind of immense pain, and you will be happy again some day. I will keep you in my prayers, which sadly, have become such a long list of hurting loved ones. 
With your permission, I’d like to publish your beautiful email so others like you will know they aren’t alone. I don’t have any from a gay person, and I believe that would help so many people who might be afraid to say something for fear of being judged. You’ll get no judgments from me or those who follow me. 
Please let me know, and be well. I am praying for you!!!
Your sister,
Bird
Jamie wrote:
Thank you for your words. You really are a inspiration. I know i am in the throws of it now, and it feels like it will never get better. Like you i feel this has changed me. I used to look down on drug addicts/alcoholics. But a good person making 1 bad mistake (as you put it Handle a little bit of sin) and taking that 1st hit changed everything forever. Like you i feel if he knew what would happen, he would have not tried it for the first time because he was so kind, caring, and thoughtful. I now realize that drug addicts are someones husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, son, or daughter. They come from all walks of life and all they did was make one bad decision for whatever reason, and their family is probably going though the same living hell as so many of us have.

Yes you can use my e mail. I know so many people are hurting from the horrible drug called meth.  Anything to help those, like me, who feel so alone and powerless in this. I spend hours reading other peoples stories and they are so similar. Its sad to say, but it does bring me comfort that i’m not alone, and at the same time my heart breaks for them because I know what they must be going though. ~Jamie

Then I Came Home to Austin

12841331_10153539649669053_1897104843100891352_oI believe that the worst part of my break-up with Chef was the unfamiliarity of my life without him. I hadn’t realized up until that point how important my routines — the very patterns of my life — had really been to me. Then, suddenly, everything was so different. It happened quickly, the crashing of my life, pretty much falling to pieces all at once, and without mercy. Over the last few years, it was hard to really enjoy the routines I had set up to replace the smashed ones left behind by the break-up. Yes,some tiny parts stayed the same. I continued to drink coffee in the morning, or listen to the news while I got ready for work. Others were different, like caring for stray dogs and writing on a blog. But those were just tiny parts of a whole that seemed to still not be functioning correctly. They seemed to be connected, somehow, to my old life. It was as if their very differences served only to remind me of what I once had, and what was now gone. Overall, I was struggling for every shred of happiness.

Then I came home to Austin.

As an adult, I have never lived in Austin before, but this is the city I was born in. I took my first breath here. I learned to walk and talk here, and it has forever been synonymous in my head to my father. Austin is where my dad and his family were, and in the back of my mind, I guess I always kind of wanted to just come home. I really couldn’t have timed it better. I’m fairly sure the Lord has something to do with that.

I have new routines now. The pattern of my life is not only different now, but it is unconnected to a painful past. I find myself appreciating the 12801417_521154491392629_6713478659555648885_nbeauty of this city daily, and I still get butterflies in my stomach when I realize again, I’m living in Austin, Texas. I’m still not so used to seeing my father’s face that I have begun to take it for granted. Instead, I feel a surge of gratitude each and every time I see him standing at my door. I love to see how Texas seems to suit my daughter Rebekkah; how she has flourished into a beautiful, confident woman, happy again, and no longer suffering under the burden of caring for a very wounded mother. I feel a certain pride every time I pay my rent from a paycheck I earned, and praise God at my ability to still buy groceries and other things I need with what is left over. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much to you, but I have learned only too well how it feels to have to choose between food and a home.

I’m filling up my life again, with family, with new friends, and with things. I have enough stuff in my apartment now, I can honestly say, I would need a truck next time I decide to move. I have things I picked for myself, this time. It is always appreciated when something is given to you, but when all you own in the world is stuff people donated to you, it makes you feel worse than just poor. Over time, I’ve been getting to know myself as just me. Not a part of a marriage, or a team, or a club. I’ve found that I love the colors turquoise and yellow together, as well as gray and yellow. I like rap music…who knew?! I have become both more social as well as less. I’ll save that thought for another time. I wear different styles of clothes now, and even my hair is different. I’m kind of enjoying figuring out who I am these days.

Today, I bought a new laptop; and believe it or not, it was that purchase that made me feel so reflective about my new life today. It was expensive, and I was able to buy it without despairing over ….well, anything. I needed a new one, so I bought one. The minute I paid for it, I realized, the hard years trying to recover from such a terrible break-up are officially over. Yes, there are going to be lean times in the future. There always are. But those lean times won’t be connected to Chef, or drugs, or biker clubs, or Oklahoma. They’ll just be the way life goes sometimes, and I’m good with that. I”m finally home.

~ Bird