Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

Sobering Insight

Three years ago today, I wrote a post called Satan’s Favorite Drug Ever – Meth. Each year WordPress gives me a little run-down about how my most popular post ever is doing. Maybe this is okay for some kinds of posts, but each year, when I get the notification congratulating me on having such a landmark post, I feel sad. The numbers of people looking for help because of meth are staggering when you take into consideration, I’m no big deal on the subject. My blog doesn’t rank in the top 2 or 3 pages of Google results, nor have I dedicated this space to talk about drugs in any depth at all. And yet, people write me all the time about losing someone, (or themselves), to this drug.

This year was particularly sobering. Here is a snapshot of the dramatic incline in the number of people who have visited this horrific description of just how my marriage was destroyed:

SFDE Insights

Sadly, we still have the rest of November and all of December to go.

If this post is any indicator, we as a country are spiraling into a chemical abyss.

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Chef, the way he used to be. I miss how he used to talk, smile, laugh… Even since he became sober again, he never has looked the same to me. Things are different — how he looks physically; how he speaks; what he cares about now. This drug truly is a game-changer.

Every writer hopes they get to write something people will care about. I’m just kind of sad that this kind of thing was my contribution.

~ Bird