Balanced Remembering

Hindsight – Those WERE the droids you were looking for!!

Holidays are still hard for me, though the ache each year is less than it was back in 2012, when all of this really spun out of control. Last evening, I went to sleep with some troubling memories still lurking in the back of my mind. They occasionally spring up to surprise me. Unfortunately, they took root enough in my subconscious that I had troubling dreams. Today, I was reminded of an exercise a fellow blogger taught me years ago. I wrote about it below in 2012, when all of the heartbreak of losing Chef was still very fresh, and I thought this was something good to reshare… for myself mostly.

Sometimes, I need to remember the pain that was caused so the lack of it in this new life can be truly appreciated.

Originally posted here December 2012:

Ole Roy Dog Food

ol-roy-150x150…..I spent New Year’s Eve alone with my thoughts, and I reflected on something Vic had told me when I was in Colorado. She told me that someone had told her that she needed a phrase that would bring to mind all the reasons she was finished with someone. It helped her to quickly get to the end of a train of thought about a painful subject. So, I thought about Chef and I came up with one of my own — Old Roy Dog Food.

Ironically, Chef was the one who had told me this story several years ago. It was about this brand of dog food called Old Roy Dog Food. He had instructed me to never buy it for our dogs because people had sued the company when their dogs had died after eating it. The irony of the story was that it wasn’t a harmful substance in the dog food that had hurt all these animals. It was the lack of anything nutritious. The dog food company had bought up all the scraps of meat and vegetables that weren’t used in good dog foods and used them to make theirs. It made for a very cheap product that people could afford to feed to their dogs. But, even though these animals were eating it, they were starving to death. Their stomachs would get full, but their bodies weren’t getting anything good to live on, and eventually they would die. The story really stuck with me, and from that moment on, I checked the ingredients of every dog food I bought from that day on, and I paid attention to how my animals responded to anything I gave them.

Chef is a master when it comes to telling me what I want to hear. He can be romantic, and over the last few months, he’s told me all sorts of things that, had they been true, would have cropped-broken-heart-pieces.jpghelped me heal up quickly and salve the hurt he had caused. I’d have been writing posts about hope and reconciliation, not painful ones about betrayal and lies. But none of his actions backed up anything he said. None. There was the momentary “fullness” of being fed emotionally, but because there was no “nutrition” with the actions to back them up, I was still starving to death.

When I got back from my vacation, I was able to truly decide to be finished with the dog food he’s been feeding me, and to go to the Lord for the nutrition that I’ve needed. I believe that God wants the best for me, and if that should be in a married situation, He’ll provide the person that I need. He has never let me down, never starved me, never betrayed me. I’m peaceful in the knowledge that Old Roy Dog Food isn’t what He wants for me.

My message for 2013 is this: don’t keep “eating” something that isn’t going to be good for you. Get a different dog food. 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you! It’s going to be a better year for me. I have hope in that!

— Bird

Closure: Searching for A Sign This Painful Event Is Almost Over

sad girlA Wife’s Painful Question:

“What is/are the sign(s) of closure?

How is one supposed to know that there is closure in a past relationship?

I’m at a very confusing period of my life, I don’t know if there’s absolutely no chance of rekindling a relationship, or if there is?

I just need help/advice really. ~ Heartbroken Wife”

This question about broke my heart. I remember fishing for hope, grasping on any little proof that I might be on the road to recovery, secretly afraid the misery might never end.

For Heartbroken, and so many other wives who have traveled this cruel path, here is my take on how I finally emerged from the crippling pain and began to enjoy my life again.


Dear Heartbroken Wife, 

In my mind’s eye, I see my life as a book, with various chapters and a whole crowd of people coming and going. I’m the central character in the story of my life. My husband of 20 something years was a major character, and his importance to my story was immense. So when he developed a drug addiction, cheated on me, made me feel old and no longer worth anything anymore, I found myself in an ocean of pain, being slammed against by every fear a wife could have. But love dies slowly, and I found myself torn about what my story would be without him. I wanted him in it, and somewhere in my mind, a tally had begun. The weight of the value of a marriage that I loved versus the weight of each terrible thing said or done, and the wounds that they left behind in my heart and soul. 

For a solid year I begged, cried, yelled, wrote texts, emails, letters, reasoned with him, provokedbroken windows him….I did everything in my power to save a marriage that I cherished.  The lies, disappointments, betrayals were stacking up, and the value of the marriage was diminishing. Not quickly, but steadily all the same.

At some point, though, I started to get used to my new life, and instead of feeling alone, broken heart birdsbetrayed, abandoned, discarded, feelings of pleasure started leaking in. My ex has always been fundamentally selfish, a major extrovert who needs an audience at all times. I’m exactly the opposite, and most of marriage I found myself the  unwilling audience for him while he watched movies that I hated (horror, bloody and disgusting) reality shows (Cops, Kennedy Documentaries) which I hated, and a whole bunch of other activities I felt I had no real choice in the matter. Not if I wanted some peace. 

Tcropped-broken-heart-pieces.jpghat was the area of my life where I started to notice that some of this new path wasn’t all bad. I liked having the whole bed to myself, or taking a bath without someone shouting unimportant questions through the door, oblivious to anyone’s needs and desires save his own. I liked cooking the kinds of stuff I like to eat, and my days off work were completely mine to do as I pleased. Mostly, though, I liked the quiet of my new life. I had not realized how thirsty I had been all this time for peace and quiet. Everything about our marriage just always felt so …loud. 

 As I found more enjoyment in things I chose for myself, the less I cared what he was doing, or saying, or sleeping with. The scales had finally tipped against the marriage, and before I knew it, there was no comparison between what I made me happy now and what made me happy when we were married.

I stopped answering every phone call or text. It no longer seemed so important that hesadness understand the agony he had caused for me. A knock on my apartment door, once the highlight of my miserable existence, now brought an opposite reaction. Instead of trying to force my shattered soul into some semblance of forgiveness, I found myself actually feeling it instead. Where anger and rage had ruled for a year of my life, indifference had taken up residence.

When my ex faded into the background of my life, that is when I knew I had achieved something I honestly felt I could never do — I closed the chapter of my life that told the story of my marriage. From the day I met him, how he became my greatest love, all the way to how is fell apart so tragically, and the grief that tore me to shreds. A story about how neither of us will ever be the same again because of each other. 

For me, the signs of closure were these:

  • When you no longer feel a powerful emotion about the person or event that hurt you so much – love, hate, bitterness, etc. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.
  • When you look back and upon the mental comparison, you find that you’d rather stay in the life you’re in now than to go back to the life that you once mourned. 
  • When you find yourself able to revisit the memories of the good times without the pain boomeranging into your stomach the very next minute. 
  • When you find yourself looking forward to the rest of your life, with a little more curiosity, a little more confidence, and a little more wisdom. 
  • When fear no longer paralyzes you, for you have learned the hard way, fears have more power hiding in our minds than when we are actually face to face with them. 
  • And lastly, when I realized one day that my opinion of myself was more valuable to me than his opinion of me, was. 

If I made it through, anyone can. I pray for peace and comfort for you, Heartbroken. It does eventually stop hurting so much. Just take things minute to minute, step to step. You’re stronger than you think you are. We all are. 

~ Bird