Plz Stop Calling Me – It’s Over

sad chefYou called me crying again last night. You’re sorry for all of this. Your relationships keep failing because you can’t get over me. You’re sick; you might go blind. You don’t want to die without seeing me one more time. You’re clean now. You miss your family. You miss me. Please let’s try one more time.

I find it absolutely nuts that when you and I first broke up, I would have given anything in this world to hear exactly those words. They wouldn’t have been true then either, but back then, I was taking what I could get. Now, they just make me sad.

Yes. I avoid your calls. It isn’t because the memories of all of this hurt me so much. Not entirely, anyways. No. I don’t take your calls because believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you anymore. But you keep forgetting that what was done between us can never be undone. You can’t have the parts of our past back that were so happy because the ending changed us both. Put simply, those people don’t exist anymore.

You get mad because I bring up The Moment of Choice whenever you are able to finally get me on the phone. I don’t remind you out of some warped need for revenge. I remind you cheating-quote-quotesbecause you lose sight sometimes about why all of this is happening to you. We stood, you, me, and Tanya, in our living room, in the little house I had found and fixed up for us, and answered, once and for all, The Question. You had spent months lying to both of us, telling me how you were trying to fix this mess you’d created — telling her I was just a crazy bitch trying to break you two up. So we stood there, the three of us, and I told you, now. Now is when you will pick which path you’re going to head down. You didn’t even think much about it. I remember feeling sick, knowing you weren’t taking me seriously.You pointed to Tanya, and told me you were sorry. She was who you loved. And I told you, then that is the decision we both have to live with now. I walked out of our little house, left everything we’d spent 20 years collecting together, and drove away. It was at that moment, I began the long, hard struggle to cut our bonds to one another. You’d damaged them, but I needed them severed.

Nothing about that moment was light for me. I accepted then that what we had was gone now, relegated to the shadowy mist of memory. You and Tanya’s relationship ended rather quickly after that day, and you spent a few months trying desperately to recapture her interest. I know. I watched. You moved on to Helena, then to others. All the while, you would call me and tell me you wanted me back. And each time I told you, no. You chose a different path.

sad girlYour new girlfriends seem to find it necessary to contact me whenever you guys break up with each other, to put in a good word for you. I can’t begin to tell you how strange and bizarre I find these conversations. That’s just plain creepy. They tell me you will never be happy with anyone but me; they know because they’ve tried. Here’s a news flash — getting back together isn’t an option for you because that would require me being open to the idea, and I’m not.

Please make them stop doing that. I don’t want to hear from your girlfriends. It doesn’t help. I don’t believe it is true that our happiness rests solely on another person; not if we don’t want it to. I can’t take you back. You think things in your life will be fixed if you can just return back to the woman you left in the first place, but you’re wrong. And maybe it is rather selfish of me, but I am not willing to suffer a martyr-like existence in a relationship with you. I am sorry, but you had your chance. Actually, you had a year’s worth of them, and you didn’t choose me then. You only want me now because I think it has actually finally sunk in — I’m gone, and I’m never, ever coming back.

I want you to move on. I hope you find happiness and peace, but not enough to sacrifice mine for yours. You will either bounce back or you won’t. Either way, that’s on you.

Please don’t make me hurt you anymore. I really don’t enjoy it.

~ Bird

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What I learned About Myself From Letting Homeless People Stay At My House For A Week

Homeless_man_in_AnchorageMaybe someday I will tell you the story of how I came to allow a homeless couple to live in my living room for a week. It has a certain entertainment value all its own. However, this post is about what I learned from this experience about the difference between what we like to believe about ourselves versus the truth.

( For those Christians worried I’m ruining my blessings about writing about this, I assure you. I wasn’t going to be getting any anyways. I think I got an F on this test. )

What I learned About Myself From Letting Homeless People Stay At My House For A Week

  1. I am not as compassionate as I thought I was. In fact, I am the worst kind of hypocrite because I was fooling myself. 
    1. The minute I had installed them on the couches, I withdrew to my room and avoided them as much as possible.
    2. I avoided eye contact, and mostly refused to be drawn into conversations.
    3. I didn’t check to see they were comfortable, silently assuming they should be thankful with a roof over their head, running water, and television. I truly suck.
    4. I had a countdown going on in my head until the time they would be leaving. When they decided to leave a few days early, I could barely contain my joy.
    5. It is infinitely easier to give them money than to give them anything else. I don’t value money all that much, so giving it away in small denominations isn’t hard. I do value my time and my attention, and I gave those things very little, and grudgingly. 572509e460cb481251e95662b663fc64
  2. Despite my protests otherwise, I had stereotyped them pretty much like most people do.
    1. I kept watching for signs of mental illness that would be dangerous to us, or an addiction to drugs that would explain their homelessness.
    2. I was kind of appalled when I realized one of them was simply lazy and it didn’t bother her in the least to accept charity instead of working.
    3. I realized pretty quickly the other one had manipulation down to a science, and was constantly working an angle with the kids or me.
    4. I was surprised about the fights they would have with each other about jealousy, what to watch on tv, and other non-homeless specific subjects. Just how narrow-minded am I?!polishedhypo
  3. I worried way more about my worldly possessions than I’m comfortable with.
    1. Every time something went missing like a pack of cigarettes or a DVD, I instantly suspected they had stolen them, even though each time they were found, they had been misplaced by us, not the homeless guests.
    2. Each day, the site of my television still in its place would bring me joy.
    3. I was constantly annoyed by how the lazy one ate all the food all day, and then when Rebekkah, who has food anxiety issues would get upset, the one who works would give us a little cash for more. How do you hide food from a homeless person and still like yourself?Microsoft Word - Document1
  4. I stupidly gave myself way more credit for all those $1 and $5 bills I’ve handed out over the years.
    1. What the hell was I so pumped up about? Seriously, I have never given enough money to someone on a corner to buy them anything more expensive than a coke and some chips.
    2. While this may possibly go down in the history of me as one of the most charitable things I’ve ever done, it is unlikely it affected the homeless couple all that much. They were polite, said how much they appreciated us allowing them to stay with us, and then chattered excitedly about the new life they were embarking on. images
  5. Sometimes, people are homeless because of their choices, not just mental illness or addictions. 
    1. I learned that while a lot of people end up on the streets for the big reasons – mental illness, addiction, and other coping problems – there is a fair number of them who just don’t want to work for things. I’m surprised at how surprised I am at this.
    2. I learned a little bit more about a whole sub-culture of life that homeless people belong to. They have a hierarchy within their ranks, and they have their own sort of schedule to follow if they want to eat, get clothes, and have a warm place to sleep.quotes-quote-self-fulfillment-awarenes-help-improvement

I am glad for this experience, and the kids and I had a nice reality check about just who we really are. Nothing like living with homeless people in your living room to know just how much of a snob you really are. My perspective, yet again, has shifted to a more honest viewpoint, which includes a hiatus on this extreme kind of charitable act for the foreseeable future.