November 2nd, You’ve Been Demoted

Get it? Bird and Chef!!!
Get it? Bird and Chef!!!

Yesterday was Chef and my anniversary. As usual, it was a mixture of sadness, trauma, and relief. But this time, it was also sprinkled with a new hope for my future. Recently, a friend told me that I carry around an invisible wall around me, almost like a neon sign shouting out my unavailability. Unlike Chef, I’ve been stuck in all of this, unable to move forward, and refusing to go back. That’s the kind of power love has, and I still marvel at how stubbornly it has held on all these years.

A few weeks ago, I stood at a crossroads when it came to Chef, and the struggle felt almost physical, it was so raw. Somehow, I knew there really was no wrong answer. What was important was to choose the path, and start walking. I took a step into the future, choosing the road away from that chapter of my life, and sadly, I chose to leave Chef back there in the past. That chapter was simply too painful and wrecked beyond salvation. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, nor was I flippant about it. This move to Austin was supposed to be a new start for me. Dragging all the trash from the past here with me would ruin it, and unfortunately, Chef comes with a lot of mental and emotional baggage. I’m finally making the decision to let go of those last few strands of hope, and walk away. This time, I won’t be looking back.

Last night, I was sitting in my living room, watching Mike & Molly with Oliver’s head in my lap, and Sparrow curled up resting her head on a pillow we were sharing, and I felt happy. Yes, oliver and memy dogs ate my couch. Yes, Sparrow’s separation anxiety is literally making my crazy. Yes, I barely make enough money to live here, and my car needs some work on it soon or I’ll be in a world of debt. Yes. Each day seems to start with a different problem designed to stress me out. But a month ago, those problems were different from these, and they somehow still managed to get resolved, despite my doubt and worry.

I thought briefly of keeping a small calendar so I could write which set of problems were weighing so heavily on me, just so I could see how easily and quickly the Lord had handled each set. A month ago, Sparrow and Oliver were disappearing for hours at a time, exploring Red Rock and scaring me to death. A month ago, I was worried about how I would be able to save up enough money so I could move out on my own. A month ago, I had no home. A month. Four weeks. And here I sit, all those problems resolved, and grappling with these new ones. The difference this time is, I can easily see that the Lord has me in His hand, and knowing He has not forgotten about me goes a long way to soothing any doubt and fear that might be lurking in my heart.

Maybe the biggest difference I see in myself these days is I suddenly have become more social. I actually got lonely last week — LONELY! I so don’t do that. And yet, I found myself longing to hang out with someone, talk, laugh, and share. Go figure.

I occasionally go back to the beginning of this blog, especially on anniversary dates. In a way, it is a way to measure the healing, remember the truth, and it offers me hope in the knowledge, nothing, even the worst kinds of pain, lasts forever. It reminds me, yes. I will be happy again. Yes. I will laugh again. Yes. I will be able to forgive. Yes. Life goes on, and it took me with it.

Bird's Phone 2013 261Today, I’m thankful for time, for hope, and for the peace I have gained in the knowledge that the Lord never left my side the whole time. I’m excited as I look towards the future! November 2 used to be a very special day for me, but today, I release it back into the pile of un-celebrated dates, each  one of them carrying only the potential of being promoted to a personal favorite.

~ Bird

PS: I’m going speed dating Friday. Yep. I’m that girl.

The Stuff Happiness Shields Are Made Of

good_evil_wrestle_9844I don’t know about other people, but I find it is always easier to write a post about negative things going on in my life than positive ones. It isn’t that I don’t have a balance going on with both. I normally do. Maybe I don’t really write too much of the positive stuff because I assume the reader will find it boring, or even worse, weird. I get an extraordinary amount of enjoyment from experiences other people would consider just plain strange.

The downside of writing only about the stuff that bums you out though, is you paint a picture of yourself as a depressed, bleak, and generally whiny individual. I am not happy playing the part of the martyr or the victim, and not just because no one invites those kinds of people to their parties. It’s just not an accurate picture of me. I do have my share of cool stuff going on too.

I haven’t had any real mind-blowing positive stuff to write about recently, but after carefully weighing the pros and cons, I’ve decided I’d rather bore you with some boring-to-everyone-but-me positives than to risk being overlooked when you’re sending out party invitations.

So, here’s some of the boring, yet mostly good stuff, that’s been going on around in my world.

  • Sophie, our assumed barren cat of almost 2 years, had 6 kittens. Our other cat, Piper, who we had reason to believe was born barren as well, Black and White Boy 1aalso had some babies —  two of the ugliest kittens I’ve ever seen. So, instead of just having one dog, Sparrow, recent mother of 8, to get fixed, I now have two cats, long barren, who need to be spade as well. What the hell? It’s like we moved to some Magical Sterility Hill. I’m glad I am not getting lucky myself these days. Who knows how deep this rabbit hole goes?!
  • We found homes for all 8 of Sparrow’s puppies, 5 of Sophie’s 6 kittens, and one person’s promise to return for one of Piper’s hideous spawn. We will be getting Sparrow fixed asap. The whole puppy experience has lost its charm.
  • I will admit, Sophie’s kittens were kind of fun. If Piper’s kittens hadn’t been so unnerving and kind of scary looking, I might not have been in such a rush to make sure no more miraculous cat births take place. Yikes.
  • Chef came into a nice little amount of money recently, and he was really generous about helping me out with some of it. He not only helped meChef-1-12 out by buying my car insurance for a whole year, but he got me AAA as well. He bought me a photographer’s camera, clothes, and a ton of other little things I no longer take for granted anymore. It was an unexpected kindness from a least expected source, and I can’t really say thank you to him enough. Thanks, Chef!!
  • I paid my ticket during Tulsa’s Amnesty Warrant round-up, and Rebekkah did as well. Now, once I scrape together the money to reinstate my license, renew my expired tags on both the car and the truck, and avoid being pulled over by the cops while doing so, I’ll be almost normal again. Normal is freaking expensive.
  • With all the Bandido stuff in the news, there has been a mad rush for news media to cover all the different angles about outlaw biker clubs.Bird (4 of 1)-40 The Huffington Post found an old article I had written about being a girl in that culture, and they printed it. So, hey! I’m bonafide!
  • My son Dj, who very nearly died while in Missouri’s custody, spent the majority of his incarceration in ICU fighting pneumonia and some kind of infection in his blood. No one bothered to tell me he was in the hospital on life support because, as I was told afterwards “he wasn’t allowed to have visitors in the hospital when in custody”. I know one jail that is mighty lucky my son didn’t die on their watch, because this mom would have wreaked all kinds of havoc on them for not telling me he was near death, not to mention whatever they had done to make him that sick in the first place. He was healthier than usual when you took him in, and he was almost dead 2 weeks later. Hmm.  The upside is, he was also an expensive inmate. He racked up such a high Dj and His Dadbill in the hospital that the jail couldn’t wait to be rid of him, and he is now awaiting his transfer back home to Oklahoma while staying with his biological father in Missouri.

So, there’s my boring, though positive, list of happenings lately.

Happy Memorial Day!!

~ Bird