Plz Stop Calling Me – It’s Over

sad chefYou called me crying again last night. You’re sorry for all of this. Your relationships keep failing because you can’t get over me. You’re sick; you might go blind. You don’t want to die without seeing me one more time. You’re clean now. You miss your family. You miss me. Please let’s try one more time.

I find it absolutely nuts that when you and I first broke up, I would have given anything in this world to hear exactly those words. They wouldn’t have been true then either, but back then, I was taking what I could get. Now, they just make me sad.

Yes. I avoid your calls. It isn’t because the memories of all of this hurt me so much. Not entirely, anyways. No. I don’t take your calls because believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you anymore. But you keep forgetting that what was done between us can never be undone. You can’t have the parts of our past back that were so happy because the ending changed us both. Put simply, those people don’t exist anymore.

You get mad because I bring up The Moment of Choice whenever you are able to finally get me on the phone. I don’t remind you out of some warped need for revenge. I remind you cheating-quote-quotesbecause you lose sight sometimes about why all of this is happening to you. We stood, you, me, and Tanya, in our living room, in the little house I had found and fixed up for us, and answered, once and for all, The Question. You had spent months lying to both of us, telling me how you were trying to fix this mess you’d created — telling her I was just a crazy bitch trying to break you two up. So we stood there, the three of us, and I told you, now. Now is when you will pick which path you’re going to head down. You didn’t even think much about it. I remember feeling sick, knowing you weren’t taking me seriously.You pointed to Tanya, and told me you were sorry. She was who you loved. And I told you, then that is the decision we both have to live with now. I walked out of our little house, left everything we’d spent 20 years collecting together, and drove away. It was at that moment, I began the long, hard struggle to cut our bonds to one another. You’d damaged them, but I needed them severed.

Nothing about that moment was light for me. I accepted then that what we had was gone now, relegated to the shadowy mist of memory. You and Tanya’s relationship ended rather quickly after that day, and you spent a few months trying desperately to recapture her interest. I know. I watched. You moved on to Helena, then to others. All the while, you would call me and tell me you wanted me back. And each time I told you, no. You chose a different path.

sad girlYour new girlfriends seem to find it necessary to contact me whenever you guys break up with each other, to put in a good word for you. I can’t begin to tell you how strange and bizarre I find these conversations. That’s just plain creepy. They tell me you will never be happy with anyone but me; they know because they’ve tried. Here’s a news flash — getting back together isn’t an option for you because that would require me being open to the idea, and I’m not.

Please make them stop doing that. I don’t want to hear from your girlfriends. It doesn’t help. I don’t believe it is true that our happiness rests solely on another person; not if we don’t want it to. I can’t take you back. You think things in your life will be fixed if you can just return back to the woman you left in the first place, but you’re wrong. And maybe it is rather selfish of me, but I am not willing to suffer a martyr-like existence in a relationship with you. I am sorry, but you had your chance. Actually, you had a year’s worth of them, and you didn’t choose me then. You only want me now because I think it has actually finally sunk in — I’m gone, and I’m never, ever coming back.

I want you to move on. I hope you find happiness and peace, but not enough to sacrifice mine for yours. You will either bounce back or you won’t. Either way, that’s on you.

Please don’t make me hurt you anymore. I really don’t enjoy it.

~ Bird

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Balanced Remembering

Hindsight-funny-Star-Wars-quote
Hindsight – Those WERE the droids you were looking for!!

Holidays are still hard for me, though the ache each year is less than it was back in 2012, when all of this really spun out of control. Last evening, I went to sleep with some troubling memories still lurking in the back of my mind. They occasionally spring up to surprise me. Unfortunately, they took root enough in my subconscious that I had troubling dreams. Today, I was reminded of an exercise a fellow blogger taught me years ago. I wrote about it below in 2012, when all of the heartbreak of losing Chef was still very fresh, and I thought this was something good to reshare… for myself mostly.

Sometimes, I need to remember the pain that was caused so the lack of it in this new life can be truly appreciated.

Originally posted here December 2012:

Ole Roy Dog Food

ol-roy-150x150…..I spent New Year’s Eve alone with my thoughts, and I reflected on something Vic had told me when I was in Colorado. She told me that someone had told her that she needed a phrase that would bring to mind all the reasons she was finished with someone. It helped her to quickly get to the end of a train of thought about a painful subject. So, I thought about Chef and I came up with one of my own — Old Roy Dog Food.

Ironically, Chef was the one who had told me this story several years ago. It was about this brand of dog food called Old Roy Dog Food. He had instructed me to never buy it for our dogs because people had sued the company when their dogs had died after eating it. The irony of the story was that it wasn’t a harmful substance in the dog food that had hurt all these animals. It was the lack of anything nutritious. The dog food company had bought up all the scraps of meat and vegetables that weren’t used in good dog foods and used them to make theirs. It made for a very cheap product that people could afford to feed to their dogs. But, even though these animals were eating it, they were starving to death. Their stomachs would get full, but their bodies weren’t getting anything good to live on, and eventually they would die. The story really stuck with me, and from that moment on, I checked the ingredients of every dog food I bought from that day on, and I paid attention to how my animals responded to anything I gave them.

Chef is a master when it comes to telling me what I want to hear. He can be romantic, and over the last few months, he’s told me all sorts of things that, had they been true, would have cropped-broken-heart-pieces.jpghelped me heal up quickly and salve the hurt he had caused. I’d have been writing posts about hope and reconciliation, not painful ones about betrayal and lies. But none of his actions backed up anything he said. None. There was the momentary “fullness” of being fed emotionally, but because there was no “nutrition” with the actions to back them up, I was still starving to death.

When I got back from my vacation, I was able to truly decide to be finished with the dog food he’s been feeding me, and to go to the Lord for the nutrition that I’ve needed. I believe that God wants the best for me, and if that should be in a married situation, He’ll provide the person that I need. He has never let me down, never starved me, never betrayed me. I’m peaceful in the knowledge that Old Roy Dog Food isn’t what He wants for me.

My message for 2013 is this: don’t keep “eating” something that isn’t going to be good for you. Get a different dog food. 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you! It’s going to be a better year for me. I have hope in that!

— Bird