One Map With The Directions Through Hell

Ok.

So, now that my life has a routine, and I’ve pretty much said about all I can possibly say about the last crappy year, crappy drugs,

lol…It was through the destruction of one that I really SHINED!!

crappy marriage, and exposed my heartbreak for months on this blog, to the point of even losing some followers, I’m finding it harder to come up with things to write about. I’m happy and sad about this. Sad,  because I love to write on this blog, but I don’t know what to say now that I’m healing up nicely. The up side though, is that I’m happy, and while I’ll get a pang here or there, I’ve gotten more control over what I will actually allow myself to dwell on. I don’t kid myself into thinking it’ll be smooth sailing here on out, but the storms don’t take my breath away anymore. I re-blogged my letter to Chef so I could add it to my blog. I actually told the guy that I wanted to remain anonymous, but he might have misunderstood…lol. Still, when I re-read the letter, I knew I wanted it on my blog as part of the record of this whole painful process. So, no. I’m not feeling sad and nostalgic. I’m feeling like I want my writings all in this one place.

One of my friends on here, Paula,  encouraged me to re-read an old post I wrote when I was in the thick of the pain, and I have to admit, that was a hard read. It’s even hard to re-read my words prior to my soul-baring posts. I knew what was going on in my home even if I wasn’t writing about it. I have to admit there are a lot of things I’ve written on this blog that I may never read again. Maybe eventually I’ll go to the beginning and read them, but for now, I’m liking the peaceful feeling I have. The healing is going fine, but I’m not ready to walk through those corridors of my mind right now. I literally was an emotional mess.

One thing that I am thankful for though, is that I kept this kind of on-line journal through the worst part of it. I am so glad that time tends to soften the memories that tear us apart; often, it even allows us to forget some of them all together. How would anyone ever heal from anything if the memories stayed fresh and powerful? We need that forgetfulness to heal.

However, there is also a down-side to being able to forget, and I’m absolutely gifted at blocking out (eventually) what I don’t want to remember. I now know a lot more about who I am as an individual, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve actually achieved some kind of change for the better. I’m obviously a codependent person. I’m a control freak. I’m attracted to people who aren’t good for me. Well, I say that, but I’ve been married twice, and I don’t really know for sure I actually have a “type” of guy. I’ve spent my whole adult life married, so there isn’t a large amount of data for me to collect from, if you get my drift. But, I have learned to pay more attention, and spend less time excusing, what the people I love do. I wasn’t helping…I was hurting. I’ve learned that even when I didn’t even want to live anymore, I never gave up on God. I may be an appalling Christian, but I remained one. 🙂

I will eventually re-read a lot of the painful posts because I don’t want these lessons to sink comfortably to the back of my mind. I don’t want to repeat history. I would like to learn these lessons once and for all so that there is no need for it to be addressed in my life again.

Most of all, someday I will be completely healed and over all of this mess, and I want to see the differences in how I thought before all of this, and my perspective after it was finally over and done with.

Hopefully, I’ve made at least one person out there not feel like the only person on earth going through hell. I received a lot of encouragement, peace, chastising, and prayers from people I’ve never even met. I think God was just saving my life when He planted the idea in my head that a blog would be fun. It really was a rather random thing for me to just decide to do.

Yet, it turned out to be crucial to this whole journey. So, thank you all, even the ones that dropped me when I couldn’t laugh for a while. I learned way more from you guys than you will ever know. And now I have this kind of map that I can look back on that shows how I navigated a hellish part of my life. Hopefully, I’ll never have to take this route again…ever. 🙂

Love you,

Bird

 

 

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